Reflection – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

As I type this – I’m on a search for inspiration for myself from myself. The past week has been a bit more cloudy than most in the past month and I’m finding that I’m moving into the hopelessness stage. As I’ve been searching to find inspiration and motivation to help drag myself up from the “funk” I’ve been in lately – I have found myself reflecting on past success. The funny part is – it doesn’t seem to be helping as much as frustrating me.

I can distinctly remember in my journey to lose over 200 lbs the first time – setting goals and working really hard to progress through each one of them. In fact, the goal levels that I had originally are listed below – each is crossed out as I hit the goal – and then at some point – I stopped crossing them out, probably because losing weight became part of me.

  1. “Let’s See The Three’s” – It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a three digit number that starts with a “3”, so that’s my first goal. It’s absolutely obtainable and I’m excited to reach that goal. There is a small in-between goal on the way to this one, which is 410lbs, the weight I was able to get to back in 2012.
  2. “Bringing Back ’98” – When I reach this goal I’ll be back to the weight I was in 1998. This is also the lowest weight that I can remember as an adult. The official weight of this goal is 368.
  3. “Three’s Across The Board” – I randomly picked this as a third goal. Achieving this will prove that my fourth goal is attainable.
  4. “The Terrific Two’s” – Anything with a two in the front counts – that means 299 or less. At this point, I’m planning that I should be moving more into a maintenance phase and looking to introduce other activity to help me keep the weight off and continue losing, but at a much slower rate.
  5. “A New Me” – Life in the two’s with a goal of reaching 280. I want to work on my mental state and start getting used to living my new, lighter life to the fullest.
  6. “Positive Motion” – Focused on activity, this goal will drive me down to the 260 lb mark as I work to continue to lose and start to learn how to maintain.
  7. “Training to Maintain” – This goal will have me arriving at 240 with the thought of maintaining that weight or lower for the rest of my adult life.

I managed to actually get even lower than this and the lowest I had weighed in at was 223 lbs. It’s amazing to think back to that point – because I was starting to fit into XL-sized clothing – where previously I was in 6XL shirts. It’s also painful as I struggle with my current motivation level and coming to grips with the fact that I’ve gained so much of that weight back on.

I look back at pictures from that time frame and I feel amazed and disgusted at the same time. It’s a very confusing and frustrating feeling.

I think at some point I need to forgive myself and start down the path again – but holding an already strong dislike for myself is not making it easy to “move forward” again. I’m also feeling a large amount of shame and find myself not wanting to be around people that had last seen me at the lighter weight.

There are other things that I noticed while losing the weight that are hold true as I gain it back. Here was something that I had put in my journal as I was looking at how some things had started to change as I started losing weight.

I’ve noticed a change in how people treat me…

This one is a sad but true fact. As I’ve been dropping the weight, I’ve noticed a large change in the way that people treat me and I’ve been noticing fewer (still lots) of stares from strangers. This has been one of the most welcome changes for me. I don’t want people to notice me – I just want to live my life without instant judgement. This seems like it will continue to get to a more manageable level, which is exciting.

Now as I’ve moved way up the ladder on my weight again – I’m noticing the stares are increasing. This time I don’t get as frustrated with other people as much as I do with myself, since I had gotten to a place where the staring was minimized quite a bit. This builds on the disdain I feel internally.

I’m at a tough spot… on the positive side – I know in my mind that it’s all about the choices I make and that I can start back with small choices, and the more of the better ones I make the better it will get. On the negative side – there is a part of me that remembers what happens when I get to the summit again. The person inside doesn’t change. The hatred I feel for myself will subside, but not disappear. The elusive “happy” feeling won’t magically appear.

Since my mind is in a bit of a fight with itself right now, I decided that perhaps the more personal post with struggles I’m dealing with was better than trying to get in the mindset to share coping strategies for stress and life balance – I think I’ll save that one until I in a more positive spot.

Let me know your thoughts on the topic below