Choosing is not an easy task. The choice of a decision is tough, and for that moment, that unique decision point, is final and we get to live with the decision that we make. Good or bad. Sometimes when we’re at the moment of decision we can’t tell how the outcome will turn out. I’ve been thinking a lot about choices I’ve made in my life.
As I type this – I’m reminded of an old Chinese parable “We’ll See” which challenges the notion and habit we have to jump to a conclusion and label an event as being “good” or “bad” with the inability to know what waits for us down the path of that event.
As I searched out a good link to share for the above noted proverb – I came across someone else’s story in a comment on another blog. To me – this is an amazing example of an event that had every reason to be seen as unfortunate at the time and yet turned out to be life altering in a good way many years down the path.
The other saying that pops in my head is “everything happens for a reason”
I think both of those things are great ways for our mind to deal with the pain or negative feeling of an event and justify that there was a reason for us to go through it.
The one I’m struggling with a lot today is not on that same wave. It’s more on the line of living with a choice that is made at the decision point that ends up haunting me for the rest of my life. Caution: The information I’m sharing is of sensitive nature and it may be disturbing to some people.
A friend posted a video to their Facebook timeline that talked about the tough decision that many pet owners have to make if their pet family member takes ill. The video content is to the point and talks about why family members should never leave their pet if the choice to euthanize has been chosen. They make the point that if the person leaves the pet with the vet, and is not present, the pet will not understand what is going on and why their love one left them. Their last moments will be anything but peaceful.
The video, the content, and the realization of what likely happened when I made that decision to leave is tearing me apart. I am literally in tears as I type this…
In November of 2016 – after several months of health concerns, appointments, and issues with my male cat, Frazier – I had come to the tough decision to have him euthanized. The decision feels as fresh today as it was then – I still feel burning in the back of my eyes and a knot in my stomach. It was one of the hardest, most painful decisions I’ve ever made and the part that hurts more is that I had made other decisions weeks earlier that put me in a place that made it even more difficult to fight this decision.
I was not able to muster the strength and courage to stay with him in his final moments. I will forever regret this decision and the decisions that brought me to that point.
Some may say that I need to pull the forgiveness card out and allow myself some space to heal. I think that’s easy to say from the outside, but from my viewpoint – there is no forgiveness and there never will be. I’ve battled myself and this decision from the day I made it and continue to do it daily. The video that the friend shared solidified and amplified my feelings of remorse.
As I’m trying to keep darkness at bay and get back to some form of mild normalcy where I can feel even slightly productive – I’m left with the thought of how people are motivated. Motivated to chase a goal, motivated to pursue anything. It’s not so much about the “what” or “how” to move forward – but sometimes the “why” – and I’m running really low on “why”s.
Apologies for the random thoughts post and for going off the plan for this week. Here’s hoping that I’m in a better place next week.