Making The Plan, Working The Plan

I am taking back my power – one choice at a time.

After attending several online meetings related to my binge eating and food addiction, I found myself struggling and had a feeling like something was off. The logical part of me couldn’t come to grips with surrendering that my eating had become out of control – but that it was then OK to eat a meal (of normal portion size) afterward. This statement within the first and second steps made me conflicted and confused. To me, the dots didn’t connect because I didn’t consider myself “in recovery” – so I was attending meetings, trying to accept my situation and give power to *something else* and then eating – with similar bad patterns. For someone with an addiction problem, abstinence is the goal – but with an eating disorder – it must be something different – since not eating isn’t an option. I suppose that it’s all about the balance and moderation, making healthy choices and avoiding the unhealthy activity (in my case – binging). My logical side – the one that had lost the significant weight before knows that there is no easy way around losing weight – it’s a method and one that required great control, persistence, determination and tenacity. The losing weight part isn’t something to me that I can let *something else* be in charge of – it’s something I need to be accountable for in the end. Through some talking – I realized and restated that I do know how to lose the weight. My issue was that when I lost the weight – the happiness I thought would be there – wasn’t. There were still other things that I hadn’t addressed that needed fixing for me to fully embrace and celebrate the change that I had worked so hard to achieve. I needed to find a combination that would offer more than that – and something that felt right for me.

I think it’s important to call out that “right for me” statement above – because this was a very similar feeling and sentiment that I had when I first found the program that I followed to lose over 200 pounds. What I want to highlight is the “feeling” – because if you’re like me – you’ll search and search until you find something that you believe will work. If it *feels* right – that indicates that you’re on the right path to *believing* it will work – which is a huge part of the battle, and one that struck me as too significant not to call out as a similarity from my first journey.

The plan that I have talked myself into is one that allows me to focus on losing the weight I have put back on. Weighing in at nearly 390 pounds has me at a state of desperation to do something that will stop the gaining and move back toward losing. Since I have had success in the past on the ultra-low calorie, low carb, high protein type plans – that is where I’ll return. It is a familiar space for me, a familiar routine, and one that I know over time (with hyper-diligence) will work without fail. I also know that it’s not long-term healthy, nor will it alone bring me to a spot where I magically find “happy”.

For that reason, I am going to continue to work on the emotional and spiritual in parallel. This may be a challenge, as it will be quite a bit to focus on and will most definitely take away from other areas in my life – and may cause me additional stress. From previous posts, you know how I feel about stress, and that I believe it drains from willpower and the effort needed to make new positive choices – rather than default, autopilot ones which may not be as positive. My anxiety is at what I would call an extremely high level right now – I am fearful to leave my house for any reason and avoid it at all cost. The lawn is about two weeks overdue for cutting, but I am not able to bring myself to being in my yard to do it. I would rate my depression at a medium level – I’m open to change and forward progress – which is always good. The daily dark thoughts have moved along for the time being.

I am taking back my power – one choice at a time.

My first official day back on the plan was Monday. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to stick to the eating plan for two full days. I know the journey ahead is long and I’m going to pack my patience with each new day. I’ll be using many of the tools that I’ve posted about previously that help me in the journey, and will hopefully be able to share new ones I find along the way.

Another Tough Week – But I Ain’t Done

It has been another week of reflection, reaching deep inside and doing some soul searching, and although I don’t think I like the answer – I may have found an answer – or at very least – something to explore further.

My inner dialog is interesting to me, as I search out answers to what I think are problems. I’m sure that I’m not alone in my general feeling of having things that I want to change, but the tough part is when I try to understand the “why” of the conversation. There are many perspectives of “why” that come into play – the “why do you want to change that?”, “why can’t you just accept you for you?”, and the more negative “why bother?”.

I’ve been on a steady incline in the numbers on the scale and have felt quite out of control with the situation. The higher the numbers get, the more lost I feel, the more I dislike myself, the more weapons my mind seems to pick up and shred my self-esteem with vigor! It’s a nasty cycle of depression, anxiety, self-hatred, self-loathing, and learned hopelessness.

Deep, deep down – there is my logic sector. The part that reminds me that I know that everything comes down to the choices I make, and if I’m unhappy with the choices I’m making – I can change them. This sector and it’s stupid logical thinking usually frustrates me and causes me to activate another area that is more focused on emotion – it’s also the area filled with “why”. It’s a dangerous area for me because logic drowns in that area.

On this horrible one-directional roller coaster ride of weight gain that I’ve been riding lately – I’ve noticed some things and I need to be honest with myself. I’ve been binge eating. I’ve been hiding my eating, and eating the bad options when I’m alone. In a culmination of horrible decisions last weekend I overate to the point of feeling sick, and then it happened – I was sick.

After cleaning up the mess I knew that I needed to think on where I’ve brought myself to and how it is affecting me physically as well as mentally. Over lots of thought and searching, I landed on “food addiction”.

Others may have been able to get to this same conclusion earlier than I – but I’m pretty good at masking / not being *fully* honest when it’s convenient for me, so it may not be apparent to everyone around me.

I told myself that I just needed to stop with the bad food, with the binge eating, and just get back on the program that helped me lose all the weight in the first place. I listened closely for a response… and then heard a soft, meek inner voice say “I can’t”. At this moment I realized that it really may be addiction.

I gave myself some time to let these feeling soak in and didn’t immediately jump to conclusions. I was gentle with myself for the first time in a long time.

I started thinking back to the program that I was on when I lost all the weight. It was extremely restrictive and I was determined to lose the weight. I had wonderful success with it – right until the final phase. In this final phase, I was told that we could add “cheat days” back into our new healthy lifestyle. I was hesitant about this – as I had been avoiding such things with all my might for 14 months at this point.

Slowly I introduced them back in, and looking back I can clearly see that I did have a struggle with it at first. Then as weeks turned to months, I started making it two cheat days a week instead of one. Then as my stress level built and I started to see a bit of the weight come back on – I started to doubt myself and then two cheat days became three and so on. This pattern didn’t stretch (pardon the pun) to the point it has now overnight – it has been a little over a year.

I think that I’m realizing that the introduction of the cheat day was a bad thing for me, because I think (with pretty good certainty) that I’m addicted to certain “bad” foods. I also have an “all or nothing” mindset that makes it very hard to do the “all things in moderation” style of life.

So – where does this leave me? Well – I think that I have a problem that I need to make the choice to address. I know that there are options out there, and I need to battle through the feelings of anger, shame and anything else that comes up (anxiety, depression, self-hatred) that may get in the way of good progress to a better place.

I’m not certain if this will work, I’m not certain if I’ll be able to commit to the change needed to be successful. The only thing I’m certain of right now is that I’m not done… I’m not giving up just yet.