The last month has been quite a struggle for me, and the next couple months are sure to be some of the more challenging ones for me to deal with and I like to believe that I’m enough self-aware to know when I can be helpful and when I need to step back a bit.
I have been doing the best I can to turn things around, but the “spark” is just not there right now, and I’m burning through the little energy that I do have to continually try to light the fire inside.
I am going to continue with my affirmations, continue down a path where I seek out a connection with a higher power in search for a purpose. I feel this is the only direction left for me at this time.
Recently I shared the feeling of indifference that had overtaken me as I struggled to manage my goals around weight and the choices I was making. As I was having a difficult time getting back to my routine – I heard an internal voice that said “sometimes, the Devil just wins…”.
I don’t speak in terms of “God” or “The Devil”, so this really stood out to me and I was aware of how odd it seemed. It felt foreign, but as I nodded my head in defeat – I felt a weight lift. It was a calmness – albeit a somber one. I suppose this was because the battle between what I wanted and what I was fighting to get it had ended in my acceptance of giving up.
The next thoughts that I had were around further isolation, and using the coping mechanisms that I knew of to deal with the depression, anxiety, grief, guilt, shame, and self-hatred that haunts me.
- Whatever makes me numb
- Whatever makes me forget
- Whatever makes me disconnect
- Whatever makes me disappear
Thankfully, I was able to work through these thoughts, share some of them, and the same self-awareness that told me these thoughts seemed “off” has told me to question them and their source.
As I am working through these things – my negative energy is of no use to others, and for the reason, I’ve decided to pause until I’m in a better spot. I will leave the site up until it’s renewal period as the positive content about chasing goals, and the power of choice are real and things that I’ve experienced first hand. I also believe in the law of attraction and know that until my thoughts move away from such a dark place — they aren’t helpful.
Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you all the best in your own journeys.