Self-Awareness and Some Final Thoughts

The last month has been quite a struggle for me, and the next couple months are sure to be some of the more challenging ones for me to deal with and I like to believe that I’m enough self-aware to know when I can be helpful and when I need to step back a bit.

I have been doing the best I can to turn things around, but the “spark” is just not there right now, and I’m burning through the little energy that I do have to continually try to light the fire inside.

I am going to continue with my affirmations, continue down a path where I seek out a connection with a higher power in search for a purpose. I feel this is the only direction left for me at this time.

Recently I shared the feeling of indifference that had overtaken me as I struggled to manage my goals around weight and the choices I was making.  As I was having a difficult time getting back to my routine – I heard an internal voice that said “sometimes, the Devil just wins…”.

I don’t speak in terms of “God” or “The Devil”, so this really stood out to me and I was aware of how odd it seemed. It felt foreign, but as I nodded my head in defeat – I felt a weight lift. It was a calmness – albeit a somber one. I suppose this was because the battle between what I wanted and what I was fighting to get it had ended in my acceptance of giving up.

The next thoughts that I had were around further isolation, and using the coping mechanisms that I knew of to deal with the depression, anxiety, grief, guilt, shame, and self-hatred that haunts me.

    • Whatever makes me numb
    • Whatever makes me forget
    • Whatever makes me disconnect
    • Whatever makes me disappear

Thankfully, I was able to work through these thoughts, share some of them, and the same self-awareness that told me these thoughts seemed “off” has told me to question them and their source.

As I am working through these things – my negative energy is of no use to others, and for the reason, I’ve decided to pause until I’m in a better spot. I will leave the site up until it’s renewal period as the positive content about chasing goals, and the power of choice are real and things that I’ve experienced first hand. I also believe in the law of attraction and know that until my thoughts move away from such a dark place — they aren’t helpful.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you all the best in your own journeys.

Much love,

The Concept of Good and Evil – What Influences Our Choices?

I’ve been thinking a lot about “Good” and “Evil” this past week. The concept of something outside of ourselves influencing our decisions has me thinking about Angels and Demons.

I would classify myself as a “spiritual” but not “religious” being. I do believe that there is *something else*, but I don’t put a label on it outside of that. I also have an aversion to any organized religion as I view those who choose to make themselves responsible for holding ceremonies or community outreach as a business first before anything else. I’m of the thought that I can believe in something – but I shouldn’t be pressured into paying someone else to validate that belief.

I also think that personally, I find comfort in believing that those who have passed on are still around and available to watch over those of us left behind. It’s that *something else* and the memory of the loved ones that I find myself asking for strength and guidance when I am able to ask for it.

In my last post, I mentioned that I felt that along with depression and anxiety that I feel that I may also be fighting addictive issues – most recently with my food choices. As part of my research down that path – I attended several anonymous online meetings. In one of the meetings someone mentioned that they felt quite depressed and were isolating. They talked about sabotaging themselves by ‘accidentally’ deleting all the contacts from their phone, and went on to say that “something didn’t want me to talk to them”. This statement struck me immediately as I have had that feeling of actions of sabotage that came from a spot that I find a hard time explaining. In short though – I have them often – and I would relate to this as the “evil” of my *something else*.  I’ve fought the urge to leave this blog in place this week as I have had no fewer than four moments where I was about to take it down.

At this point, we get to the main topic of this post – I’ve been wondering why it seems that there is an internal struggle between doing what is good/healthy/positive vs. bad/unhealthy/negative.

I do understand the power of positivity and the concept of we are what we think. Positive thought patterns are more likely to bring positive feelings and outlook. Negative thought patterns are more likely to bring negative feelings and outlook. This leaves me scratching my head though – as to why there can be times when I’m riding the positive wave and it can crash into a brick wall of negativity that stops it dead in its tracks. Sometimes it feels that way – but others it can be a much less noticeable negative thought that can throw things off – like a crack in a railway rail lying unnoticed but able to break the integrity of a regularly strong structure resulting in what may be disastrous.

While the idealistic view of controlling and questioning thoughts makes sense, I also tend to research (and at times over-research) things. The initial reason that I started doing more searching on this topic is because psychology and what I’ve read about how this is treated when it comes to depression, anxiety and other disorders doesn’t make me feel great about it. Let’s just say I’m not ready to say that all my thoughts and feelings are wrong and that I need to question every one of them and then apply a formula of ABC’s against them to reason my way to making my thought/emotion/belief inconsequential. It, of course, is based on my experiences, what I’ve been taught and lead to believe as true. Belief is a powerful thing. I’m reminded of a John Mayer lyric – “Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword, like punching underwater, you never can hit who you’re trying for…”

One of the best descriptions of reasoning in regards to the evolution of our subconscious mind vs. conscious mind can be found here. The person who created the post asked the question, “Why is our conscious mind at odd with our subconscious mind”There is a lot of good information in the first response, but the part that stuck out to me while trying to find the reason behind the “good” and the “evil” feeling is …

“We fear our own next bad behavior will render our idea of ourself even worse than it is, and seek to cognitively control our behavior so as to maintain our present status of acceptability (however poor that status is). And in order to control our behavior, we needed to formulate concepts of what constitutes good and evil behavior. And our feeding upon this tree of the knowledge of good and evil (to help us better cognitively control our behavior), which is our species deepest and most destructive coping mechanism, set us at odds with the part of our conscious existence, our subconscious mind , which is a threat to cognitive control of our behavior.”

Perhaps the best part of the response though – was the conclusion…

Your question about the nature of of the conflict between the subconscious mind and the cognitive mind is a rather significant question. I suggest we each work out this issue in our own life, and do so until we find some kind of meaningful answer to it for our own life.”

Which allows me to feel and believe that my search for the answers for my own life is worthwhile. Therefore – I’ll keep searching, develop a plan that feels right to me, and stay hopeful that I’ll find meaning in life – or at least maybe a bit of peace.